Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19): Your moon is moving into Pisces, indicating you may be experiencing trouble with your emotional side. Take a walk, talk to a friend, cry, sleep, cry yourself to sleep. You have many options.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Trouble sleeping? Me too. The stars have no advice for that other than to turn off your phone and to go to bed at a reasonable hour. But what do stars know? They’re just asshole balls of flaming gas, light-years away. They don’t know shit.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Venus is rising! Now is a great time to stalk your crush on Instagram and slide into their DMs. You will accidentally like one of their posts from 263 days ago; don’t panic. Hopefully they won’t even notice…
Cancer (Jun 21-July 22): Reply hazy, try again. No horoscope today. The Stars didn’t have much to say. Better luck next week? Just don’t do anything stupid.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22): If you think your professor hates you, then congratulations! You’re absolutely right! Expect a grade no higher than a D+. I’m not really sure why they hate you so much… Try bringing them cookies one day. No one can be mad with the gift of baked goods. It’s scientifically impossible.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): Someone liked your Instagram post from 263 days ago?? Weird. Block them and avoid eye contact if you see them in the café. Who does that? Stalkers.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): That cutie in your hall finally noticed you! Ask them out! Or not. Instead, ignore them and get upset when they ignore you back. They’re obviously so into you, based on their refusal to make eye contact. (Maybe they accidentally overheard you and your roommate talking about their butt.)
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): We are in the peak of Scorpio season; this means you can do whatever you want. Buy that $75 pair of shoes. Ditch all your classes. Steal a clamshell full of cake from the Commons. No one can stop you. (Looking at you, Mom.)
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Three people will mistake your for someone else. Roll with it; your doppelgänger is everyone’s best friend and you’ll get some culinary cash out of it. Spend it wisely.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Your residents haven’t yet caught on to the fact that you’re actually a two hundred year old vampire. Except for that one kid who looks at you strangely whenever you refuse to eat the pizza you ordered for them. They know something. They may have to disappear before the term is out…
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Neptune is in retrograde, which means you should be especially careful of whom you tell your secrets to. Some friends may not be as trustworthy as you thought. Suddenly, everyone knows about your secret obsession over Taylor Swift. Good luck.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Your RLA has been acting strangely, but no one else seems to notice. Odd sleeping hours, aversion to bright light, aversion to pizza? Who refuses pizza? They’re definitely hiding something.
— Kate Youdell