Lawrence University’s Kappa Alpha Theta Recruits Seven Year Olds in Attempt to Make Ever Smaller People Sandwiches

This year in an attempt to take even cuter pics, members of Lawrence University’s Kappa Alpha Theta have begun to recruit “young women of eight and under,” Jackie Clarkson, a Theta sister, told us. “We realized if we plan accordingly, we should be able to fit as many as three pairs of sisters inside the initial pair of Thetas, creating a Russian nesting doll of sorts.” This strategy comes after Delta Gamma made it public that their members would start bicep workouts three times a week to enhance the “Gamma” of the Delta Gamma hand sign.

“Lawrence is such a small school, and we thought we could both affect change in Appleton, as well as recruit from a larger pool of women, if we were to recruit from other local institutions,”  said Mary Edleston, a Theta sister. The infamous Kappa Alpha Theta two-people-bread-one-person-meat-sandwich has been under much scrutiny recently after too many members of the University of Texas at Austin’s chapter attempted to fit into a Theta sandwich and six were killed. “As a liberal arts institution we were able to look at this problem from all sides, and, using the thinking skills developed in Freshman Studies, we found this problem had an easy solution: to recruit smaller persons.”

When talking to President Mark Burstein about this new policy, he seemed to support it, saying, “This campus could use some happy faces!” It seems in the coming weeks the VR will be turned into an elementary school during its day hours to support these new women on their journeys in becoming true Theta sisters.

We wish success to Kappa Alpha Theta’s new recruitment policy. — Ethan Penny

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