Why I Drink Pizza Grease Instead of Water When I Work Out

Like most gals, I love a good workout. And what I want from that workout is to extend my body to its limits and get in shape! That’s why I jumped on board to this fun new trend – pizza grease! I guzzle lots and lots of pizza grease and nothing else while becoming my best self!

So you’re probably wondering how it works. Well, basically I purchase thirteen large pizzas from my local pizzeria, a little joint called Dominos. For toppings I like to get sausage (for a little extra protein) and green pepper (I LOVE veggies!). I’ve ordered 676 pizzas so far, so you could say I’m a regular. They love me there! Of course, they don’t know that I never eat the pizzas! After I pay for my pizzas, I pile them into the wicker basket on the back of my pale pink bicycle and jet back to my loft. Then I ask my doorman, Paul, to carry them up! Men are so strong! Once I’m in my loft, I take each pizza out of the box and curl them up so all of the grease pools into the center and then set them back down so they’re all sprawled out along my granite countertops. Then, like an assembly line I saw in a sad documentary once, I take each pizza curl and pour the grease into my water bottle – oops! – I mean grease bottle!

From the phone call to order the pizza to filling the grease bottle, the process takes between four and five hours. Not bad at all! And it’s soooooo worth it. I gag on the grease and puke up everything I’ve eaten that day every single time I take a swig. Two things are certain: I’ve never felt worse and I’ve never looked better! 

— Grace Reif


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