Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19): Good news! The stars are in alignment this week, which means many good things for you. You will swallow no less than four spiders in your sleep this year, as opposed to the average of eight a year. However, you may be deficient in vitamin E. Try switching to crickets.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Feeling like you’re in a slump at work? Have no fear, for you will be getting a raise sometime soon. The catch? Your boss may pay you in something other than money. Unfortunately, our economy has not yet developed enough that old Spice Girls CDs are a viable currency… yet. Hold on to those babies, they’ll pay off in about twenty years.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Expect a call from a relative bearing bad news. Expect a text from another relative with news that is the exact opposite of the first. They will both turn out to be wrong. However, call your grandmother and make amends. You never know when she’ll be revising her will.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): You will be going on a trip soon. Pack lightly, but make sure you don’t forget your swimsuit or a parachute. They will both come in handy. And make sure you update your life insurance policy. Call your loved ones and hope for the best.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Relationship problems? Your partner may be deceiving you – their Witness Protection Identity has been compromised and must flee the country. Go with them. Start a new life in the rolling foothills of Iceland. The sheep are very good conversationalists. Enjoy an idyllic new life among the friendly but oddly cryptic locals.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): Mars is rising, bringing out your aggressive side. Do not challenge anyone to a duel; they will have a secret weapon. But if you must, duel immediately. Stab wounds may be considered a preexisting condition in the near future…
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): Once again, you are the best zodiac sign of the bunch. You will get finally get that text back from bae, find $50 when doing laundry, and win against your arch nemesis when they challenge you to a duel on Tuesday. Remember, don’t bring a knife – bring a sword. They’ll never expect it.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): The effects of the full moon are still lingering. You may be experiencing some side effects, including: howling, snarling, or a strong craving for raw meat. Try to remain calm, it will pass with time. However, if you must do something, chew all your roommate’s shoes instead of peeing on their side of the room. It will be easier to hide.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): With Venus in retrograde, there is a good chance you will meet your soulmate this week and an additional love interest. Love triangles are in the air. Choose wisely 😉 one of them may turn out to be a sexy brooding werewolf/vampire/goblin.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): This week is going to be tough, so put on your big person pants and hope for the best. Expect a series of disasters this week, ranging from minor inconveniences such as forgetting about that pop-quiz to absolute tragedies like losing your last good pair of earbuds. Have fortitude; your luck will change with the full moon. However, your roommate may chew all of your shoes for some reason.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Lots of friend drama? Try staying in your damn lane for once. Yes, I’m talking to you. You know who you are. Don’t deny it. Karma is on its way, so watch out. You should have thought twice before eating your friend’s last box of Girl Scout cookies. What have you done, you monster.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): According to your star charts, you should expect some good luck this week. Maybe you will ace that paper, maybe you will pet two dogs, or maybe you will finally get a good night’s sleep. However, stay AWAY from the river. The bugs are out to get you (yes, it’s just you).
-Local Astrologist, Kate Youdell