Woman Wearing Large, Clunky Boots in Somerset Room Shot and Killed on Sight

Appleton, WI- Elizabeth McPherson, a 19-year-old Lawrence University student, drew her last breath this morning in the Somerset Room, a popular campus study spot. According to a witness at the scene, Elizabeth walked into the room “wearing a really cute outfit.”

The witness continued,  “She had this great cardigan-and-dress thing going on. The dress was, like, polka dots, and the cardigan was an amazing mustard yellow. I wish I could pull that off!”

However, the outfit had one fatal flaw. According to Elizabeth’s roommate, Elizabeth spent “a lot of time” that morning deciding which footwear best matched the ensemble, and she eventually chose a pair of expensive black boots she had received two Christmases ago from her parents. The boots’ soles were starting to wear out, but the shoes “sure did make a statement,” the roommate said.

Too loud a statement. The boots’ thick heels were like kryptonite for the Somerset Room’s hardwood flooring; the second they came into contact with those long strips of maple, a violent clunk reverberated through the room like a gunshot. Then a real gunshot rang out, because Elizabeth had been fatally shot.

The shooter, Hannah Sorrel, another Lawrence University student, is now in police custody. When asked about her side of the story, she reported she heard the boots from a table near the windows, where she had been parked for hours, studying for a midterm. She is a self-described “high-achieving chemistry student.” According to a sympathetic friend, Sorrel “just wanted an A in that class.”

We asked Ms. Sorrel what went through her head when she whipped out her personal handgun carried under a self-defence license.

“You have to understand one thing,” she said. “I was at a table by the windows. That’s literally across the room from the doors. And those boots were still so loud that I couldn’t focus on anything, and I just had to kill her. I’m glad I did it.”

We request that everyone respect Elizabeth’s family’s privacy at this trying time. – Nina Wilson

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Victoria’s Secret Releases Bra to Fulfill ALL of Your Boyfriend’s Dreams

Victoria’s Secret’s new spring line made a splash with their release of the “Dream Bra,” designed to push your breasts into the exact size and shape your boyfriend wants to see. With the innovative quadruple underwire design and not-adjustable chain mail straps, this bra ensures that those unsightly mammalian glans hanging from your chest are cinched into an unrecognizable but otherwise flawless shape. It doesn’t matter what bra-size you are— this bra is a one size fits all and will ensure that your boobs look just like those that grace the chests of our Angels. So give your boyfriend what he really is looking for this spring—a rack to look at and brag about, since in the end, making your boyfriend happy is what really counts.

— Sydney DeMets

Goat Released During Improvisational Concert, Causing Confusion

During last night’s improvisational music and dance concert, a goat somehow emerged on stage, causing some confusion amongst the performers but not the audience.

“I had no idea what the fuck was going on. We hadn’t discussed this at all,” one disgruntled performer stated. “It just leapt on stage and ran into a music stand, which fell over and hit my oboe.”

While other musicians and performers on stage expressed anger at the goat’s bleating and eventual defecation, some members of the audience felt that the release of the goat enhanced the entire night.

“It was so beautiful. I just saw the message the artists were giving so clearly— the message about the cruel treatment of animals in society,” one Lawrentian, who had just taken a class on interpretive dance through an environmental perspective, stated. Though our sources tried further questioning this student on her opinion of the concert, she slowly turned away and absentmindedly mumbled something about having an appointment behind Trever Hall.

Flora Whispers, the coordinator of the event, expressed some concern about where the goat came from.

“The goat just clacked up onto stage, which reminded me of a dream I had during the last lunar cycle. I thought the goat was a sign, but I have no idea if it descended from the shining fields of green grass or if it came from the audience.”

While the goat has inspired anger, beauty, and mystery, for some, it was also “damn funny.”

“Got me rollin’ in my seat in the back,” Charlie Norton told us in a thick Boston accent. “I had to be here for my niece’s graduation, and she was dancing in this joke,” he explained. “Yeah I tell you what, the goat takin’ a dump on stage was the most real and least bullshit part of the concert.”

Sources later reported that after interviewing all fifty audience members, Mr. Charlie Norton was the only one who realized that the goat was not supposed to be there, demonstrating the true value of higher education.

— Sydney DeMets

Your Horoscope for the Week

Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19): Good news! The stars are in alignment this week, which means many good things for you. You will swallow no less than four spiders in your sleep this year, as opposed to the average of eight a year. However, you may be deficient in vitamin E. Try switching to crickets.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Feeling like you’re in a slump at work? Have no fear, for you will be getting a raise sometime soon. The catch? Your boss may pay you in something other than money. Unfortunately, our economy has not yet developed enough that old Spice Girls CDs are a viable currency… yet. Hold on to those babies, they’ll pay off in about twenty years.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Expect a call from a relative bearing bad news. Expect a text from another relative with news that is the exact opposite of the first. They will both turn out to be wrong. However, call your grandmother and make amends. You never know when she’ll be revising her will.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): You will be going on a trip soon. Pack lightly, but make sure you don’t forget your swimsuit or a parachute. They will both come in handy. And make sure you update your life insurance policy. Call your loved ones and hope for the best.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Relationship problems? Your partner may be deceiving you – their Witness Protection Identity has been compromised and must flee the country. Go with them. Start a new life in the rolling foothills of Iceland. The sheep are very good conversationalists. Enjoy an idyllic new life among the friendly but oddly cryptic locals.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): Mars is rising, bringing out your aggressive side. Do not challenge anyone to a duel; they will have a secret weapon. But if you must, duel immediately. Stab wounds may be considered a preexisting condition in the near future…

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): Once again, you are the best zodiac sign of the bunch. You will get finally get that text back from bae, find $50 when doing laundry, and win against your arch nemesis when they challenge you to a duel on Tuesday. Remember, don’t bring a knife – bring a sword. They’ll never expect it.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): The effects of the full moon are still lingering. You may be experiencing some side effects, including: howling, snarling, or a strong craving for raw meat. Try to remain calm, it will pass with time. However, if you must do something, chew all your roommate’s shoes instead of peeing on their side of the room. It will be easier to hide.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): With Venus in retrograde, there is a good chance you will meet your soulmate this week and an additional love interest. Love triangles are in the air. Choose wisely 😉 one of them may turn out to be a sexy brooding werewolf/vampire/goblin.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): This week is going to be tough, so put on your big person pants and hope for the best. Expect a series of disasters this week, ranging from minor inconveniences such as forgetting about that pop-quiz to absolute tragedies like losing your last good pair of earbuds. Have fortitude; your luck will change with the full moon. However, your roommate may chew all of your shoes for some reason.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Lots of friend drama? Try staying in your damn lane for once. Yes, I’m talking to you. You know who you are. Don’t deny it. Karma is on its way, so watch out. You should have thought twice before eating your friend’s last box of Girl Scout cookies. What have you done, you monster.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): According to your star charts, you should expect some good luck this week. Maybe you will ace that paper, maybe you will pet two dogs, or maybe you will finally get a good night’s sleep. However, stay AWAY from the river. The bugs are out to get you (yes, it’s just you).

-Local Astrologist, Kate Youdell

The Lawrence Indifference: Foreign Report

Hi, I’m The Lawrence Indifference contributor Sophie Penniman, and I’m currently studying abroad at the Lawrence London Centre in London, England. It may seem like the US and the UK are pretty much the same, but I discovered that there were quite a few differences that caught me off guard.

So, here are some things I wish I’d known when I first got to London! Hopefully, if you plan on studying abroad too, this can be useful to you!

  1. Immediately upon your arrival in London, you will be formally initiated into a Dickensian street gang. I made the mistake of thinking, “oh, I’m not an orphaned, impressionable young ragamuffin, so that won’t happen to me.” I was wrong.
  2. The British language has no equivalent for the word “gusset”. As you can imagine, this was probably the thing I had the most trouble adjusting to.
  3. As a study abroad student on a Tier 4 Student Visa, you’re technically a British citizen while in London. This means that, like every other British citizen, you’re legally required to say “pip, pip” on the hour, every hour. Don’t worry—after a few days, you hardly even notice!
  4. You’ve seen pictures of the vast and shifting sands that cover the city, of course, but nothing can prepare you for the real thing. It’s utterly gorgeous.
  5. As you might expect, eating nothing but baked beans on toast every day does wonders for your health. I’ve actually lost 6 pounds so far! Or, as they say in England, 6 dollars.
  6. You might see tourists going up to the Buckingham Palace guards and engaging them in lengthy discussions about the Sino-Japanese War. Don’t be tempted to do this. It distracts the guards, and you wouldn’t believe how many times in a day they’re forced to endure being talked to about the 1894-1895 war between China’s Qing Empire and the Empire of Japan.
  7. Plimsoll. You’ll see what I mean when you get there.

Cheers!

Sophie Penniman

 

Lawrence University’s Kappa Alpha Theta Recruits Seven Year Olds in Attempt to Make Ever Smaller People Sandwiches

This year in an attempt to take even cuter pics, members of Lawrence University’s Kappa Alpha Theta have begun to recruit “young women of eight and under,” Jackie Clarkson, a Theta sister, told us. “We realized if we plan accordingly, we should be able to fit as many as three pairs of sisters inside the initial pair of Thetas, creating a Russian nesting doll of sorts.” This strategy comes after Delta Gamma made it public that their members would start bicep workouts three times a week to enhance the “Gamma” of the Delta Gamma hand sign.

“Lawrence is such a small school, and we thought we could both affect change in Appleton, as well as recruit from a larger pool of women, if we were to recruit from other local institutions,”  said Mary Edleston, a Theta sister. The infamous Kappa Alpha Theta two-people-bread-one-person-meat-sandwich has been under much scrutiny recently after too many members of the University of Texas at Austin’s chapter attempted to fit into a Theta sandwich and six were killed. “As a liberal arts institution we were able to look at this problem from all sides, and, using the thinking skills developed in Freshman Studies, we found this problem had an easy solution: to recruit smaller persons.”

When talking to President Mark Burstein about this new policy, he seemed to support it, saying, “This campus could use some happy faces!” It seems in the coming weeks the VR will be turned into an elementary school during its day hours to support these new women on their journeys in becoming true Theta sisters.

We wish success to Kappa Alpha Theta’s new recruitment policy. — Ethan Penny

Why I Drink Pizza Grease Instead of Water When I Work Out

Like most gals, I love a good workout. And what I want from that workout is to extend my body to its limits and get in shape! That’s why I jumped on board to this fun new trend – pizza grease! I guzzle lots and lots of pizza grease and nothing else while becoming my best self!

So you’re probably wondering how it works. Well, basically I purchase thirteen large pizzas from my local pizzeria, a little joint called Dominos. For toppings I like to get sausage (for a little extra protein) and green pepper (I LOVE veggies!). I’ve ordered 676 pizzas so far, so you could say I’m a regular. They love me there! Of course, they don’t know that I never eat the pizzas! After I pay for my pizzas, I pile them into the wicker basket on the back of my pale pink bicycle and jet back to my loft. Then I ask my doorman, Paul, to carry them up! Men are so strong! Once I’m in my loft, I take each pizza out of the box and curl them up so all of the grease pools into the center and then set them back down so they’re all sprawled out along my granite countertops. Then, like an assembly line I saw in a sad documentary once, I take each pizza curl and pour the grease into my water bottle – oops! – I mean grease bottle!

From the phone call to order the pizza to filling the grease bottle, the process takes between four and five hours. Not bad at all! And it’s soooooo worth it. I gag on the grease and puke up everything I’ve eaten that day every single time I take a swig. Two things are certain: I’ve never felt worse and I’ve never looked better! 

— Grace Reif

Selections from Rupi Kaur’s Newest Poetry Collection, A Thousand Screaming Ants

your kisses

like rotten, balls of dirty mud dirt

dirty dirty dirty dirt

all from the earth we,

daughter,

grow

into a plant

plants

water your plants with the tears of

a thousand screaming ants

the ants are boys

they are made of dirt also

they are balls of dirt

because they have balls

just waiting to be overlooked and

stepped on

balls

i said balls

-rupi kaur

(nina wilson)

 

i want to apologize to all the women

i have been a bitch to

-rupi kaur

(nina wilson)

 

like a candle

you were wax

you melted

when there was that heatwave at madame tussauds

i should really stop pretending im in a relationship with george clooney

-rupi kaur

(nina wilson)

 

Therapy Dog Gets Seasonal Depression

Joey, a local therapy dog, has been feeling down this winter. The smile on his face is only a facade, but he knows people are counting on him to bring smiles to their meaningless days so he gets out of his doggy bed each morning and goes through the motions. Sometimes, though, he can barely get himself up. As he sees different people everyday, Joey feels that they are drifting in and out of his life, that they’re only using him and do not appreciate him for the good boy that he is. What he wants is some real connection beyond petting and cooing over his looks. He is more than a fluffy coat and waggly tail. That is who he is on the outside, and he doesn’t feel people care about who he is on the inside.

Winter always brings out this malaise in Joey, more than any other time of the year. He cannot go for his normal walks because the air is so cold it freezes the sometimes endearing drool that drips from his mouth, and his paws can’t get a good grip on the cold ground. He slips and slides and often falls which, despite being only two feet off the ground, still hurts. Regardless of the perils of the outdoors, being cooped up inside is not good for his morale.

When the skies clear, Joey knows the fog will also be lifted off him. But in the meantime he feels completely alone. Being a therapy dog means he has to be on his cutest behavior at all times, and when he feels so down it is hard to put his whole heart into anything.

Things will hopefully get better when spring comes. – Tali Berkowitz