Popping up excitedly out of bed, Lawrence sophomore Peter Pimbo smiles widely at the sun streaming through his third-floor Sage window.
“Today’s the day,” he thinks to himself: the same thing he thinks every morning. “I’m going to get laid.”
Pimbo is very popular among his circle of friends, yet his bubbly personality somehow keeps him locked in the “baby brother” role. In other words, potential sexual partners see him as someone to be protected, not fucked.
Jill Drier, campus nurse, recently diagnosed Pimbo as a chronic virgin.
“Chronic virgins tend to seem overly optimistic and flirtatious, and a slight ‘walk slash jog’ is their preferred method of travel. This intentional, eager pace raises chances of a ‘meet cute’ or an accidental-yet-romantic bump in. He has his apology speech all planned out.”
In fact, Pimbo delivered this speech yesterday. After “accidentally” bumping into Jessica Fitzgerald, an attractive fellow sophomore, he was overheard saying “Let me help you with those,” referring to the variety of books that had fallen out of her backpack. His next comment?
“You’re in British Writers? That’s crazy, T.S. Eliot is my favorite modernist poet!”
While this may have seemed a spontaneous coincidence, Pimbo has actually spent over fifty hours researching classes and thinking of relevant anecdotes like this to impress the ladies. The results? Not in his favor.
We spoke to Fitzgerald about this encounter. When asked about Pimbo, she said, “He seems sweet, like the kid I nannied this summer. I’m sure there is someone out there for him. Not me, but someone.”
This last sentence has been repeated by all of the other women with whom Pimbo has interacted.
“I’m closer than ever.” – Sydney DeMets and Nina Wilson