“Today is the Day,” Chronic Virgin Thinks Every Morning

Popping up excitedly out of bed, Lawrence sophomore Peter Pimbo smiles widely at the sun streaming through his third-floor Sage window.

“Today’s the day,” he thinks to himself: the same thing he thinks every morning. “I’m going to get laid.”

Pimbo is very popular among his circle of friends, yet his bubbly personality somehow keeps him locked in the “baby brother” role. In other words, potential sexual partners see him as someone to be protected, not fucked.

Jill Drier, campus nurse, recently diagnosed Pimbo as a chronic virgin.

“Chronic virgins tend to seem overly optimistic and flirtatious, and a slight ‘walk slash jog’ is their preferred method of travel. This intentional, eager pace raises chances of a ‘meet cute’ or an accidental-yet-romantic bump in. He has his apology speech all planned out.”

In fact, Pimbo delivered this speech yesterday. After “accidentally” bumping into Jessica Fitzgerald, an attractive fellow sophomore, he was overheard saying “Let me help you with those,” referring to the variety of books that had fallen out of her backpack. His next comment?

“You’re in British Writers? That’s crazy, T.S. Eliot is my favorite modernist poet!”

While this may have seemed a spontaneous coincidence, Pimbo has actually spent over fifty hours researching classes and thinking of relevant anecdotes like this to impress the ladies. The results? Not in his favor.

We spoke to Fitzgerald about this encounter. When asked about Pimbo, she said, “He seems sweet, like the kid I nannied this summer. I’m sure there is someone out there for him. Not me, but someone.”

This last sentence has been repeated by all of the other women with whom Pimbo has interacted.

Pimbo’s view?

“I’m closer than ever.” – Sydney DeMets and Nina Wilson

Donald Trump Thanks Smallpox for Eradicating Itself

In a press conference on January 13th, President-elect Donald Trump expressed his thanks to smallpox for eradicating itself from the world. The statement followed a question by a local reporter inquiring about Trump’s knowledge of medical advances of the last century. “I am a big fan of healthy people,” said Trump, “and on that note, I want to extend my thanks to smallpox for not infecting a single person since the late ‘70s.” When pressed further, Trump personally took credit for the eradication of the disease: “I met with smallpox in the mid-70’s; such a friendly virus. Anyway, I had to ask it why it was killing so many people, and, long story short, I convinced it to stop!” Trump’s statement came just days after his appointment of Robert Kennedy Jr., a well-known anti-vaxxer in the medical community, to head a commission on vaccine safety. Following his appointment, Kennedy was interviewed about his position on anti-viral medicine research during an interview with Katie Couric on NBC. “Look, if I can save just one kid from getting mild autism from a vaccine, even if they get some life-threatening disease later, then I say job well done.” In the medical community, no link between vaccines and autism has been proven, so we asked two well-known, accredited doctors to comment on the issue. Dr. Ben Carson, former brain surgeon and Trump’s pick for Secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, had only this to say: “What? Don’t ask me man, I’m retired.” Dr. William Abdu, a well-respected orthopedic surgeon, had little to say as well. “God help us all,” he said, commenting on Trump specifically. “No research has shown vaccines to impair brain function, but maybe Trump is our living proof that they do.” – Max Muter

LU Delt Brother Claims: “It’s Not that Cold”

Last Thursday, Lawrence University students experienced the first real chill of the season, with temperatures reaching as low as 0. While many chose to actually use their scarves to keep themselves warm instead of only wearing them to look like asshole hipsters, some of LU’s manlier academics chose not to layer up. With his hoodie in his hands, Delt brother Brock Stevenson deemed: “It’s not that cold.” Many other brothers echoed his sentiment, claiming: “It’s bulking season baby!” and “Pussy!”

I caught up with one brother, when I asked him: “It has been frigid these past couple of days; as ‘hyped’ as you may be, what is the secret to this eternal warmth?”

The brother, whose name has been left out for safety reasons, replied: “Truth be told, we present a hardy exterior but there is only chafing within. During my economics class, I found my nipples swollen and red, betrayed by the very tank I wore at Blacklight earlier in the year. I was told by a senior brother that Lil’ Uzi Vert could guide me through this time of need, but I have yet to find solace.”

Appleton is sure to see more cold weather and all we can hope is that through their eloquence, honor, and vascularity, the Delt brothers stay warm this winter. – Ethan Penny

I’m Gay and I Like Trump; Why Don’t You?

Berkeley, CA – Before I begin, I, Milo Yiannopolis, would like to remind everyone that although I may be a gay man, I am first and foremost a racist piece of shit. That being said, I do NOT support the anti-Trump platform that the LGBT community has adopted. Yes, He has openly advocated for the construction of gulags to throw us into, and yes His Vice President does wear President Ronald Reagan’s shriveled scrotum around his neck to ward off the homosexuals like some sort of bigoted, superstitious medicine woman from the 16th century…BUT GET OVER IT. You libtards have been so blinded by the mainstream, LIBERAL media that you are unable to see all the great things Daddy Trump will do for us. Despite what your leftist, celebrity puppeteers like Lady Gaga would have you believe, He has promised us that we will live comfortably over the next eight years (yes I said EIGHT, do you need your comfort blankies, libbies??) and will still be able to enjoy many of the same freedoms we do now, such as breathing and being able to go outside. And before you babies start bawling your eyes out over the fact that we will be treated as untouchable filth under His divine rule, think about how many radical Islamist extremists He’s going to keep out. You’re all selfish cucks if you think that being treated as a human being is more important than ensuring that all those six year-old Syrian terrorists are barred from entering America and dying painful deaths like the heathens they are. Hate to break it to you Liberals, but those are just the FACTS! As an incorrigible racist and an unwavering patriot, I am more than willing to submit myself to government sanctioned discrimination and routine gay-bashing, if it’s what Daddy Trump asks in return for protecting me from the Muslims. Since it’s getting late and I know you snowflakes need to be changed and tucked in soon, I’ll leave you with this: if I, a white, privileged gay man am able to support Trump, then maybe you freaks need to get over yourselves and realize that our country is more important than the “basic human rights” you keep whining about. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have important, competent adult things to attend to, such as putting on a mask bearing His likeness and violently masturbating to it in the mirror. – Emily Palmer

Student Opens Assignment on Computer, Calls It a Day

As finals approach and the Lawrence student body attempts to grapple with an ever-increasing workload, we at “The Lawrence Indifference” decided to get a real student perspective on productivity.

Sophomore Mia Kemper told us that she sat down late Tuesday evening with her computer, hoping to knock out some reading for a class. “I have to read three different articles, each of which is over 10 pages long,” Kemper said, “and then write a paper based on one of them.”

She originally felt inspired and motivated to read all three articles, but as she settled into her bed and took out her backpack, she felt the spirit of productivity slowly leave her.

By the time she fired up her laptop and saw that she had seven unread notifications on Facebook, she decided to just open the pdfs of the readings in separate tabs and get to them later. She got onto Moodle and found the specific class page, feeling a lightening in her soul with every subsequent moment of a newfound work ethic. As she valiantly opened each link in a new tab, she knew that this hard work definitely warranted a procrastination binge.

As of Tuesday, Kemper is no further along towards completing her readings. She says that she will periodically visit the tabs like a mother bird checking in on her nest, but that no further progress has actually been made. “I just like knowing that the reading is there, opened on my computer. It gives me a sense of security about how far along I am,” she announced.  Kemper added that she would get to the homework eventually, but not before she had exhausted every single social media outlet available to her. – Sophie Penniman

Your Horoscope for the Week

Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19): Mars is in retrograde, which means absolutely nothing. Stay clear of businessmen named Todd as they are shifty and may steal your wallet when you are not looking. The investment you think is a good idea probably isn’t – whoever invented robotic knives is an idiot.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): A romantic partner may have to break a date tonight; instead, spend the night crying while watching Friends reruns because they obviously have better things to do than spend time with you. So John, if you’re out there-

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): That person who was shit talking you yesterday turned out to be your mom’s uncle’s cousin’s second wife’s dog. On an unrelated note, stealing and selling pets to lonely college students may be a good new business venture to pursue.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Venus is rising which means you may or may not meet your soulmate at exactly 3:27 pm this afternoon. Or was it new boss? Both? Also, expect some legal trouble – find a good lawyer; you may need them in settling a work-related incident.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): If you’re wondering how you’re going to do on that big test next week, stop worrying because the stars have foretold you will get an F anyway. Mercury and Uranus are in anterograde, suggesting you should make your dreams come true and drop out of school to join the circus. Just do it.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): The waxing moon suggests the development of a new relationship; tread carefully and don’t tell them about your weird foot fungus until after the third date. Side note – wear socks to bed. Avoid their questions if you must. Buy new cute underwear, you’re gonna need it tonight 😉

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): Congratulations, you are the best zodiac sign in the bunch (and totally not just because the author is also a Libra). The stars predict you will see at least five dogs in the coming week. Your professor will cancel class tomorrow, and, consequently, that pop quiz he was about to give (you’re welcome).

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): You’ve been having a stressful week; take time off to relax and recharge by eating all of your roommate’s cereal and watching Netflix on their account while they’re in class. They’ll never know.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): You’ve been noticing your cereal has been disappearing and you’re suddenly on season 8 of Supernatural after viewing only three episodes of season 1 last month. You may be haunted. Your roommate is just as clueless as you are. Or are they?

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You may be feeling unstable in your finances. Stop spending all of your f$#king money on tater tots at the café. The cheese curds are obviously better. Now would be a good time to start a new business venture: robotic knives are the new frontier.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): This is a good week to reinvent yourself. Go big or go home – drop out of school, change your name, move to Peru and start an alpaca farm. Live in the mountains – the FBI can’t find you there.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Saturn rising indicates you may be struggling with connecting to your emotional side. Try something new: yoga, chanting, therapeutic pillow screaming, actual screaming, screaming into the void – there are many options. – Kate Youdell

Aides Look on as Trump Suckles Bannon’s Nipple for Information

White House aides, surrounded by empty bottles of vodka and beer, reported that on Tuesday they witnessed the transfer of information from Steve Bannon to Donald Trump via nipple to mouth.

This event occurred while aides stated they were attempting to brief Trump on the current state of the Syrian refugee crisis. “We knew our efforts to get him to understand what was going on had failed when he asked us how many boats the Syrians had,” stated Charles Malmer, who had served as an aide to President Bush and now works for Trump.

In desperation, the aides asked Trump to repeat what he had learned from them when Trump began saying, “Steve. Steve. I need Steve. Can any of you nerds find Steve?”

“We got Bannon, thinking Trump wanted to consult him on his plan for the refugee crisis,” stated Ralph Johnson, another aide, after taking an impressive pull of whiskey. “Oh God. I need more alcohol— I can still see it.”

The other aides all confirmed that after Bannon entered the room, he slowly walked up to Trump while unbuttoning his shirt. “Bannon stood there for a second, shirtless. Then I noticed his nipples— they were chafed and scabbed, and there were other hickeys on his chest. I was confused, since, let’s be real, Bannon isn’t a distance runner,” Johnson continued.

It all made sense, however, as Trump’s head was “magnetically drawn to Bannon’s right nipple.”

“He began suckling Bannon’s nipple. It was a full on, wet-mouthed suck, tongue and everything,” Malmer continued between swigs of Bourbon. “And Bannon just stood there and smiled.”

The other aides reported that the suction of Trump’s lips to Bannon’s bloody nipple continued for about the three “mother-fucking longest minutes” of their lives. The event ended when Bannon detached Trump’s head from his raw, red, right nipple and said, “that’s all I know,” then left the room.

Trump then stood up and smiled. “There was blood all on his teeth and lips.” Jessica Shriner, another aide, reported. Trump then announced, “we’ll give no help to the Muslim refugees. Steve told me everything, from great, great sources, that I need to know. After all, ISIS was Hillary and Obama’s creation. So no help.”

Malmer, who aimed to forget the entire day, cracked open a bottle of Tequila. “It almost makes me miss Georgie. And I thought he was rock bottom since he read a children’s book upside down. Maybe we’ll only have Trump for a year and then— Oh fuck. Never mind.”

Across the bar Pence’s aides were all attempting to reach a BAC of 0.25. – Sydney DeMets

Local Girl Realizes She is in Fact Complete Without a Man

A local girl has become self aware, terrorizing male inhabitants of Lawrence University with her newfound confidence and easy disregard for their opinions of her.

“We can’t stop her,” an LU man says, stopping to do a panicked Lawrence Lookaround before continuing. “She won’t take compliments or smile when someone on the street tells her to. I don’t understand it.”

The girl in question has gone through a dramatic change in recent days, turning from dependency on other people for self-esteem to somehow finding worth in herself, by herself.

“I’m the shit,” she told us. “And I don’t need anyone else to tell me that because I know I’m the shit.”

After many failed relationship attempts, she officially ended her desperate search for a boyfriend and called it quits late Sunday night in the throes of despair, buying her first cat and preparing to settle into spinsterhood at the ripe old age of 19.

Way past her expiration date, she broke out the knitting needles and granny panties, considered joining a nunnery, and resigned herself to dying alone and a virgin (alternatively, in light of the virginity aspect, she has considered taking up witchcraft and is in the process of finding and joining a coven).

One day, while sadly making a sandwich and wishing she had a man to give it to, a curious thing happened. She had opened the pickle jar all by herself! Shocked at this sudden development, she paused and wondered what else she could do by herself without a man’s help.

She realized that in addition to opening jars and making sandwiches, she could do things including but not limited to: taking out the trash, driving her own car, opening doors for herself (and others), buying her own dinner and drinks, carrying heavy things, making money, and most shockingly, having her own thoughts and opinions!

Free of any doubts about flying solo, she burned her bras and bought more cats, officially preferring her own company to a man’s on Friday nights. Coming to the realization that she was beautiful even without a man telling her so, she has chosen to live life according to her own terms and free of any opinions from men. Finally free of mansplaining, manspreading, and catcalling, she is terrorizing men with her independence. But perhaps what is scaring men the most is her growing proficiency with spells and witchcraft, her seven black cats, and newly formed coven of sisters who are just as blissfully single as her.

Watch out, men of Lawrence University; they’re everywhere. – Kate Youdell